Magic Flute
Jasper decided to go swimming, but the pond water was way to warm. He saw something bobbing in the water.
It was a brilliant, purple stick.
The duckling jumped in the warm water and it felt like it would burn all his feathers off.
Once he came across the stick, he picked it up with his beak, and paddled towards shore.
';What is this?'; the duckling wondered outloud.
The stick glimmered slightly, and he noticed holes in the stick.
';This can't be a stick, it's much to hard,'; he commented to himself.
It had a huge hole at the top, and many other holes that were smaller lined up with that.
';What could this stick, I mean, Glimmer Stick, possibly be used for?'; he clucked, and picked up the flute.
It was much heavier when he didn't have water's 0 gravity. It took several minutes to get back home.
';Whatcha got their bro?'; chirped one of his sisters.
';Nothing.'; he muttered, he didn't want them to show mama, he wanted to show her himself.
';Don't look like nothing,'; another one of his sisters giggled, ';We want to see you use it.';
The duckling completly forgot about learning how to use it, ';I want to show mama first.'; he lied.
';Fine.'; the third sister duckling replied stubbornly and angrily, ';Don't tell us.';
Mama duck was sitting in the Tree House, cooking roasted weed, ';What is it, Jasper? I don't have time for
games.';
Jasper looked at his feet, ';I, I, I found.. I fou-'; he sputtered.
Mama duck sighed, ';Jasper, spit it out.';
';I foun-'; he was interupted again.
';Mama, Mama! Jasper found a weird looking stick. It's purple and it's smooth. Has holes in it too,'; The eldest
replied.
Mama's eyes widened, ';So you did, Jasper?';
Jasper nodded and shot Claire a glare, ';Yes, and I was going to say it myself till she came in.';
Mama nodded slowly, ';Where did you find it Jasper?';
Claire rolled her eyes, ';It's just a stick, doesn't need any details. Come on outside to see it mama! Flicker and
Dippy are outside watching the stick.';
Mama widened her eyes, ';Dippy?! Outside!? Where dogs could eat her?!';
Claire shrunk sadly, ';Mama, I'm sor-'; she was interupted when Mama Duck left the kitchen to go outside.
Jasper laughed, ';You, of all people, finally got in to trouble.';
Claire cast a long glance at the Tree Door, ';Well, I was just coming in for a little bit,'; she snorted.
Jasper shrugged, ';Still coun-'; he heard a slam and saw Mama Duck come in with Dippy and Flicker.
';Don't you two ever leave your youngest sisters outside alone in Hunting Season.'; she scowled.
Jasper's eyes dropped sadly, ';You didn't see the stick?'; he sunk down to the floor.
';Oh, I didn't say that, I saw your stick and I thought, why don't you take it to your grandpa's place,'; she smiled.
';Jasper and I?'; gulped Claire.
';Not unless you want Jasper to go alone.';
';Huh! He'll need me.';
';I don't know.';
';I'm going.';
';Good.';
Jasper waddled out of the Tree House with Claire, ';I don't need you.'; he quacked.
Claire sniffed, ';Yes, you do.';
';Do not!';
';Do too!';
';Ugh! We haven't even reached the Glimmer Stick and you and I are already fighting Claire.';
Claire narrowed her eyes, ';Well, tell me. How are you going to get to Grandpa Max's alone, carrying that Glimmer
Stick.';
Jasper thought a momment, ';Good point, I suppose I do need you.';
Claire smiled with satisfaction, ';Told ya so.';
Jasper growled teasingly, ';Well, if you say that again, you will have to carry the Glimmer Stick all the way to
Grandpa Max's.';
Claire jabbed him, ';Where is Grandpa Max's anyways?';
Jasper thought a momment, ';Remember the stories? It was through the city and up the hill. You will find it, yes
you will?';
Claire smiled, ';Now I need you too.';
Jasper felt comfert from his sister instead of envy, ';Thanks.';
Jasper waddled towards the city, not knowing how big it would be till it came nose to beak with him.
Claire gasped, ';Wow, this place is huge.';
Jasper puffed out his chest in confidence, ';I know my way around,'; he then quietly added, ';Atleast I think I do.';
Claire rolled her eyes, ';I'll try first. You remember which way to go, and where we've been.';
Jasper sighed, ';Alright.';
Claire waddled them right to the heart of the city, the market, ';Told ya. I can hear the grass blowing already,';
she smiled.
Jasper glared, ';I don't.';
Claire glanced at Jasper then waddled on, ';I do.';
Jasper sagged down, the Glimmer Stick was weighing him down, ';Hh-hey Claire?'; he panted.
Claire looked back at Jasper, ';What is it now?';
Jasper panted, ';Ww-well could you pp-please carry ii-it?';
';Fine, but I will still take leader.';
';You can't,'; he growled, ';It's my turn.';
Just then a young dirty boy walked through the market. He had a muggy face and smelled like rotten garbage.
He slipped an apple from the Farmer's stand and walked on, chewing his red apple with deliWhat do you think of my story so far?
I am not too good at criticizing other people's work. But I'll try my best :D.
The first thing I noticed were the first few sentences; whenever I'm writing I try to vary the length of the sentence to avoid boring the readers eye. When you edit, try that.
Another problem I have is with this sentence: ';It was much heavier when he didn't have water's 0 gravity.'; You should simplify it and drop out the gravity thing. It doesn't fit here.
What advice I can give you is, edit hard-core. Don't fall in love with your words, dialogue, characters. Not even comas. Editing is the most important part in writing (well not the *most*, but for the sake of this sentence just agree with me) and especially when writing for children. Use strong, short words to keep them in their seat. And on your story.
Like I said, I avoid answering this type of questions because I tend to say nothing helpful. So I'll stop here -hah. But not before adding: this story is very cute and charming, the dialog is also fit for a kid's patience... and you rocked the characters.
I hope some of it helped you. Good luck!:D.
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