If changes could be made to save a relationship, what would you change?

I was with my fiance for two years almost living with him the whole time. I love him dearly, but on Tuesday I left him. I don't want to be without him, but I want our relationship to change for the better, not just his side, but mine too.



I am a 24 year old mother of two boys ages three and almost seven years old. I also go to college online full time. I work part time as well. My fiance (ex now) works 26+ hours at a local restaurant as a cook.



So here's our story (from my point of view):



I have been in college all but maybe two months of our relationship. I get up with the kids around 7 or 8 in the morning, out my oldest on the bus when there is school, do the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, grocery shopping, errands, etc... My fiance works part time as mentioned above. I work part or as needed at a local children's store where my children receive discounts on their clothes. I do the laundry mat trips (usually with both kids with me as well).



I have complained or bitc*ed ( I will admit that ) to my fiance that he needs to help me out more because with the kids and school being full time jobs each in themselves plus everything on top of it I am so overwhelmed I want to cry! He says that he doesn't know how it can be that difficult. In my deffense I say I don't know how hard driving two miles down the road and working part time can be.



He also calls me ignorant names such as a Bitc* if I ask him to help out or a slu* if my clothes are too tight or revealing.



He sleeps almost all day until right before the time he needs to get up to go to work.



With all of that said you can see why I left him...in addition to something else that I will NOT list on yahoo. As horrible as it sounds I did NOT think leaving him would be this hard on me emotionally. I thought wow I am so unhappy. In reality I am so completely crushed that he is not here that all I have done for the last two days is ball my eyes out.



Our relationship turned into this after he started that job as a cook. I may be a jealous fiance, who knows. He works with ALL women. He gets rides home with women (the engine in my car blew up Monday). My son's father offered to take him and pick him up. Instead he rides with them. That just started though.



When he first started this job he stopped wanting to do things with me. We used to play chess, make dinner together, clean the house together, watch tv together, have sex 2 - 3 times a day, etc... then it turned into none of that and sex every 2-3 DAYS. I kept asking him to watch tv with me or to have sex with me, etc.... and he wasn't in the mood or didn't feel like it. Then it went from that to him sleeping almost all day up until an hour before he had to be at work. Then he'd get up listen to music on his computer on headsets, then get dressed and ready and go to work. It would be like 1:15pm, and he'd have to start work at 2pm, and I'd say want to have a quickie, and he'd say no not enough time....keep in mind he works two miles from home, NO LIE...less then a 4 minute drive (there's one red light). We used to have quickies, long sex, etc... Then it turned into him only wanting sex after I went to sleep, I'd wake up to it.



I am NOT saying that this is his whole fault, that is NOT true at all. I did my share of shi* too!



Here's my thoughts after I left him.... Sleeping all day and a loss in things that were once an interest to him is a HUGE RED FLAG FOR DEPRESSION. Where the hel* was that thought when he was here? And maybe since I have always been in school our whole relationship (dam* near) I haven't spent as much time with him as I should have. Or with my kids. He really wants to start a fair concession stand and sell food as well as a yard/cleaning service with an S10 pickup truck. He wants to get a riding mower, a push mower, two weed wackers, and a power spray washer for in it. I think that maybe I should quit school and help him follow his dreams. I love him dearly and I want for him to be happy. I could always go back to school later on. I do want him to quit his job there as a cook though. I could never tell him that though. Do you think I am wrong for wanting him to quit? Do you think that I should tell him?



With me being in school it takes so much of my time. We cannot hardly go anywhere because there is only one day a week that I do not have homework. My three year old is disabled and terminally ill because of a lung condition. This would be a great way to be able to spend more time with him and my oldest son as well, because mommy is always on her computer working on school.



I am so lost without him. I do not even know where he is. He has no cell phone. And if he hasn't quit his job he is off today anyways.



What would you suggest I change in this relationship to fix it?



Do you think that there are things that he should change as well?



ANY advice would be great. I am trying to stay strong hoping that he will call, text, email me, or stop by. He haIf changes could be made to save a relationship, what would you change?
Perhaps open communication between you might fix the problem? I also have my life in chaos now, but unlike your husband, I do all the chores at home, something that I wish my wife would participate in.



I suggest that you two come to a compromise to help each other, he do some house chores, while you're studying, and you support him with his plans. He's losing interest in sex, because it feels like an obligation now, not something that you both enjoy.

I think there are a lot of things he needs to change in him as well, and it is a work in progress...If changes could be made to save a relationship, what would you change?
why is it you that has to change.. why is it you that has to give up your dreams? stay true to your self and if he is truly worth it he will support you and love you no matter what. if not then it was never ment to be and you can take comfort it knowing that u did the right thing!
I think you answered your own questions. Sometimes we need to sacrifice a little to get a lot. First and foremost...your 3 year old baby needs you! If he/she's terminal, isn't it a given to spend the most time with him/her? You can always get an education later. But the disrespect he shows you is not o.k. Maybe he's frustrated with your schedule, but that doesn't give him the right to talk like that to you. Get counseling...I recommend it. Sounds like you're doing a lot on your own, and probably have the means to get your life together by yourself...but if you want to work things out with him, sacrifice a little and go to counseling, they might provide you with a new insight on what to do and hopefully he will go with you. Good luck to you and your family.
Wake up, there's no change you can expect in this relationship but change OUT of this relation. Sorry, but thats the only evident thing.
give it some time you do alot compare to him he should have helped you around the house more considering he has a part time my husband helps me out on everything cleaning cooking bill paying and he works more then 56 hours in a week it shows when someones cares and in this case there is nothing you can do to change it for the better you need a real man that can help you around the house not some lazy ***!! sorry no offense but u did right on leaving him and one more thing about the sex and stuff maybe hes having an affire with sum women were he works at it can be possible but i suggest you move on this relationship is not gona function at all sorry and good luck
I am so sorry you are feeling so low. You did a good thing putting some space between the two of you. It allows you both time to rethink your lives and were it was heading and were you'd like it to head. I wan to apologize now for those who answer in rude comments bc right now that is the last thing you need. You need a friend a person in your corner. Have you considered instead of quitting school all togeather to maybe cutting to half or quarter time. Bc If you completely it is really hard to get back.

I think you both need to see a councillor the same one but do a couple individual appoinments b4 you do a couples session. Allow the theropist to get the whole story from both sides without the anger and frustrations towards each of you have towards each other.

I agree your BF is either seriously depressed or he's looking else were for his needs to be met. You children

sound like they are a huge priority for you and that your struggle daily with the hours you miss with them for trying to improve yourself so you can provide them wit ha better life style. I know right now that is very hard to remember but you need to know that the hours you all are sacraficing right now for your education will pay off in ten folds in the future.

As for a pick me up tonight take the kids out for a walk to a local convience store and get ice cream or a treat that they like best and look into thier faces as they enjoy this unexpected event. Then once you have them in bed tonight fill the tub with a nice bubble bath and curl into the aroma of it with a cup of tea and just be don't punish your self turn on some relaxing music and just listen to the words let them be your thoughts.

Come back here daily or hourly and talk that is what all of us are for to listen and to help any way we can. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I send a prayer your way
Well from what I have read,it seems like you're carrying all of the weight.I hear how much you're putting into this and he's not putting much effort into this.Both people have to give a 100% and by the sound of things,he's not. I do think him getting rides from women is going to create problems because he should not be doing things to cause any suspicion. I realize he works with all women but it's 4 miles a way.He should be taking a cab,walking,riding a bike or finding a ride from someone other than a female. It could be he's cheating but there's no concrete proof of that.

However I do agree he needs to quit this job because it's causing nothing but problems.I would search for jobs for him,apply online for him or bring him applications home. I do not recommend leaving school because once you leave ,there will always be a reason to not go back and you having an education is paramount because if he walks out or you cannot deal with it or something happens to him,you want to have a good education to have a good job to support yourself and your kids.

Surely you two could try to clean together or quit doing it all together.He'll get tired of it and eventually clean. Try to engage him in activities. Plan a day at the park,have a lunch together,go to the beach and reconnect. Have movie nights where you cuddle with him as the kids are sleeping. Take time to fix up yourself and wear sexy outfits since men are visual. You can help him with his dreams but at the same time,you can't lose yourself over a man because your kids depend on you and no one is worth throwing that away.

I suggest counseling for you both and for him to seek help if he is depressed,but I would give him time to miss you and to realize what he's going to be missing out on.If you run right back to him,he won't learn anything. Think of this as a time out for him to realize the consequences and what he is losing.

When he's going to do clothes himself,clean and cook,he'll realize what you endured.People can never understand what something is fully like until they live it. So give him time to realize for himself what it's like and then you can say to him,now you understand why it's too much. Best of luck