Why do people feel that you have to be over 25, make over a certain amount of money a year (which most of the time MY parents don't even make), be done with college, have no debt, etc etc before having a child?
Yes, I'll be 20 when James gets here. No, I'm not ';employed'; and I live at home. I ';work'; in my mom's store, helping her out by being able to be open more and/or not have to pay someone, in exchange for what James and I need/will need. I also do ALL the cooking, cleaning, shopping, manage the budget (basically everything but pay the bills). I get a $25 allowance a week for all of that, which goes for my cell phone bill, car insurance, gas in my car, etc.
I wanted to be married, own my own home, all of that. BUT it did NOT turn out that way.... I'm doing the best I can with the sh!t I was handed. The father hasn't and won't answer any calls or text messages and at 21 weeks had JUST accepted the fact that he was having a son. He has money for weed, cigarettes, alcohol, and gambling, but not getting ready for his son.
I quit my job. It was that or get fired. I had a subchorionic bleed, and we (doctor and I both) were about 90% sure I had miscarried at 10 weeks. My jack azz manager (I worked in a restaurant) still expected my to carry a 30 pound box of silverware when I was serving/waiting tables (I was on a 20 pound weight restriction), I could NOT eat or drink if I was hosting (showing people to a table) and peeing was out of the question. I was on bed rest each time I had bleeding until 2 days after the bleeding stopped. I had to keep calling in, so I was about to get fired.
So, how can people judge me for being a mom at 20, withOUT knowing all of that??Another ';young parent'; question?
I think anyone who is under twenty years old when they get pregnant are young mothers. But things happen! No birth control is 100 % effective unless its not having sex, and personally I was ready for it at fifteen as I was in a relationship for two years and I loved my boyfriend! Most people in this country are not in good financial sittings when they decide to start a family. A lot of parents, moms and dads don't work. People just like to focus on the teenagers because they have nothing else to do with their lives. Lastly, it isn't our fault that we are single. I personally would do almost ANYTHING to be with my daughter's father. But he left two months into our pregnancy.
EDIT:
McLovin-Where do you live? Most places you have to work in for at least six months before you can take FMLA (Family Medical Leave.) In my case-I didn't have my job there for six months or more. You can't fight something that has exceptions! So I actually was fired for being in the hospital too long. I live in WI-if you really think you are right, look up the laws and come ';fight'; it for me. But you aren't.
BookkeeperJatt-My fiance at the time and I were a week away from moving into an apartment by both of our colleges. He all of a sudden up and turned. Now I may not have been smart and got myself pregnant at the age of 18 but hey, the father must be semi smart and I must be as well as we are both in pre-med programs! You can't predict what someone will do. You can't predict it even if you are in the most stable relationship with someone who is intelligent!Another ';young parent'; question?
Personally, I applaud you for being so mature! I got pregnant at 20 with my daughter, and the father abandoned us. Like yours, he had (and still has) all the money he needs to buy drugs and alcohol, and buy rims for his car, but he doesn't have enough to buy a carton of milk or a pack of diapers. I think you will make a fine mother. :)
I don't judge you I praise you for doing what is right and stepping up to the plate and dealing with your pregnancy right. Better than some who just abort it because that is the easy way out.
People only make assumptions on either the limited amount of information given to them or the standards they believe should be met. Judging is easier than investigating and you will run across that more times than not. Please remember that you and this child are entitled to child support and I hope you file for it. Best of luck hun.
Well, I think that it's very rare for any person to feel that the time is perfect to have a child. I know that when my first one came along I was worried about finances, the state of my relationship and a million other things. It works out 99% of the time. Don't care about those that judge you just spend your energy worrying about getting this child off to a great start in life.
I've been rambling, haven't I?
Because at 25, you're mature enough to not blame everyone else for your problems
Because at 25, you're (well, should be) graduated from college and make more than $25 a week.
Because at 25, we don't call having a baby ';the sh!t we were handed';.
Because at 25, we know better than to sleep with drug users and gamblers.
Because at 25, we are old enough to understand the laws and we stand up for ourselves in the workplace. Instead of quitting and whining and saying ';I would have been fired'; ... no, we fight.
And at 25, the brain is fully developed. Yours isn't. That's not a snarky comment, it's true.
See, you don't understand. You don't ';call in every week';, if your doctor said you can't do certain things, he'll give you a note. If your work says you'll still be fired .... you FIGHT it!!
I was a first time mom at 19 and I feel like I've been ever bit the competent and loving mom any 30 year old was/is but I think the people around us usually just want us to not have a hard time and they think about their own experiences and yadda yadda. I know for my friends at that time, they wanted to be off partying so they didn't understand the concept of being able to do w/out that lifestyle.
There is nothing wrong with you at all. Your making the best of the situation you have and thats great.
Just keep thinking positive and things will get better. As for the father it sounds like you really don't need him around you anyway...sounds like a bum to me.
I was 19 when I concieved and 20 when I gave birth. I worked all the way to the end with no complications but there are alot of dangers in jobs like yours and I fully sympathise. But there are employment laws all employers must follow on pregnancy. Speak to someone about it because you should not have been fired.
In the UK its illegal to tell a pregnant woman not to pee. Not sure about the states though...
I'm living with my mother after I split from my husband and we all manage fine. The baby is well cared for and I provide with what money I have. I recieve no support from my husband but I'm as happier than I ever have been in my life. My daughter is happy and healthy too...so all this being a ';young mum'; carry on is a load of hogwash. Nothing wrong with it provided the baby is safe and well looked after.
So don't worry about what people think. Put your feet up and enjoy the pregnancy if you can. I wish you the best of luck.
xx
Well here is my question to you. Why do you care what people think? It is obvious that the people that matter stand behind you, so as for everyone else, screw them! Sure your situation isn't ideal, however many parents lives aren't all they would like people to think they are. With the economy the way it is, I think that what you are doing is very responsible. Would people rather you kept working just to be able to have material possessions only to have your baby die from complications. People are very hypocritical and until you are in someone else's shoes, you should keep your opinions to yourself. People spend too much time criticizing rather then trying to help. If we all pitched in and stopped worrying about what everyone else is doing life would be alot easier. You obviously like to work and your situation is no different then if you were 30 and married and on bed rest. Health comes first and just be grateful you have a family that cares, it could be alot worse.
Life happens. People in less than optimal circumstances sometimes rise above it all and are phenomenal parents and phenomenal people.
That doesn't necessarily change the fact that there's something to be said for finishing college, being financially stable, and being married when you have a child. If someone on here who is not already pregnant is asking for advice about what's optimal, the advice I'd give them is to wait until they've had a little time to devote to themselves, have found the right partner, and are in a position to be able to provide for the baby financially. If someone is already pregnant, that's pretty useless advice -- and I certainly am not making a moral judgment about them (or you). Best of luck with your baby.
At 20 I have no issues because you are essentially an adult and able to handle the situation better. You seem to be dealing with this in a very mature manner and I commend you for that.
What I do have issues with is the 12 (or younger)-15 or 16 year olds who have little to no ability to get a job and take care of the child properly (with the exception of a select few.) They shouldn't even be having sex in the first place...
'Why do people feel that you have to be over 25, make over a certain amount of money a year (which most of the time MY parents don't even make), be done with college, have no debt, etc etc before having a child?'
Not 'have' to be but 'should' be. I think its an important distinction. I think people have an issue with young men and women who are not in a financially or emotionally stable position either choosing to get pregnant or being reckless about whether they get pregnant or not. By your own admission, your situation is not ideal....
I got pregnant at 21 and raised my daughter, worked (never took a penny from anyone or any govt) and I'm really pleased at how things worked out. Would I have said it was ideal and how I wanted to bring a child into this world? No way.
Do people HAVE to be financially and emotionally stable before having a child? No. Should they be? Yes.
I judge not based on age, but on maturity. Sorry, but I agree with Josephine. I know many 20 - year - olds who work and support themselves through their pregnancy. You don't quit your job when you're pregnant, and you especially don't give excuses like that you were going to be fired. In case you don't know the law, you can't be fired for being pregnant or sick due to pregnancy. Check out the ADA. Having a complicated pregnancy is considered a short - term disability, and you were entitled to reasonable accommodations such as not having to carry heavy objects. If your boss fired you, he could have been sued. If you really cared about working and not sponging off your mom, you would have looked into your rights.
My sister is also currently pregnant, had terrible morning sickness and other things during her first trimester, but she sucked it up and kept going.
If you're well enough to work in your mom's store, you're well enough to have a job. Again, it's just another excuse.
People who are prepared for parenthood don't refer to their babies as ';the sh!t I was handed.'; You're not ready to be a parent, and it sounds like Grandma is going to end up raising that poor kid for you.
Some 20 - year - old moms are ready to raise kids. Heck, MOST 20 - year - old moms are ready. But based on what you described, you're not one of them.
Oh, and if you don't even have a job, you shouldn't have a cell phone. A cell is not a necessity, no matter how you'll try to argue that it is. It's time to get your priorities straight.
I'm not judging you but here are some questions for you. Wouldn't it have been much easier on you had you been done with college and had a career where you would not just be fired for missing work since you are pregnant? With a career you get paid medical leave when you are having a child. Wouldn't it have been easier to be married to a mature, intelligent, college educated man who would have been happy that his wife was giving birth to their child, and would continue to work in his career to take care of his wife and child?
See you were not handed this sh!t, you put yourself in it. You were caught up in the moment of sex and decided to bring a child into the world while you, yourself is still a child. You slept with a boy who is not ready to be a father, instead of finding a man who would be there with you. It is sad to hear all of the crap you had to go thru but maybe your young body was not prepared to carry a baby yet, and you needed to grow more physically. It's obvious you still need to grow more emotionally.
Because society in general is very judgemental. I'll be completely honest with you, I was like that in high school when I saw pregnant girls walking around. ';ooooh that would NEVER happen to me.'; I'd subconsciously think ';wow they gotta be kind of slutty.'; And then it happened to me and I dropped out of high school. People are like that about EVERYTHING. It's really annoying. I'm 20, living with my baby's father (my husband) and, yeah we struggle. But we're happy and our daughter has the things she needs. I'm pregnant with another one, too. So for those who wanna judge me, EFF THEM.
I know exactly how you feel. I lived with my parents while I was pregnant and for the first year of my baby's life until her father and I worked things out and got married. I worked and went to college in the evenings (never accomplished much in the way of school before I got married and had to move). But yeah, society in general makes me feel like a failure sometimes. It will probably always be like that until I do what they tell me: finish school, get a job (I'm a stay at home mom), and then find a real good paying career. Because for some reason society cares a lot about our individual happiness. NOT. Sorry I'm just getting pissed now because I feel the same way you do and I'm sick of it, too.
I know if I had it to do over again I would have made a better effort to wait until I was older and more financially secure to have children. Mind you, we are living right now but I would love to have the option to at least buy my children all those frivolous things they desire as well as all the necessities that we are barely scraping by to have. However, I do not believe there is any age limit as to when this is attainable.
You have some good points, your best one was agreeing that it is best to be stable, married and all that good stuff before getting pregnant. Unfortunately things don't always work out that way...that is where your wrong. Pregnancy doesn't just happen, you cause it. If you really son't want it to happen it wont. That is why you wait until you're older and having smarter and safer sex.
Would you say that your situation is ideal for raising a child? I don't think you would. It's good that you're dealing with it the best way you can and there is no doubt that you'll do the best you can for your son.
The reason people judge is because getting pregnant with someone who is obviously not able to raise a child and does not have their life together is not very responsible. Yes, things don't always work out the way we want but we do have control of our lives to some extent by the choices we make, the situation that you now find yourself in is the direct result of some of your own choices. If you are comfortable with where you are now you should just ignore those people who choose to judge you and get on with your life. From this post you seem to be stewing in your own juices and dwelling on what other people think of you.
Wow. i would just like to say your doing a great job. i dont judge without knowing things ike that. :) good work, keep at it, you will b a great mom to James.
people are going to judge us because we are 19 and 20. (yes you will be 20 soon and ill be 21 soon but they don't care) they just look at the age and that's it. and what makes it worse we both don't look our ages. people don't care what we went through and what our goals are. all they care about is our ages. and all we can do is prove them wrong. yea we live with our parents but we are going to make it work. yea we will need a good job and a place to stay eventually and we plan on getting to that point. all we can do is hold our heads up high and have everyone else kiss our a$$'. i have come to realize that people wont help me and they are waiting to see me fall flat on my face and i plan to prove everyone wrong and so will you.
(got me all heated now lol)
don't worry about what people say or think because that will just slow you down. and the boy who fathered your baby isn't gonna grow up. hell my man is 30 and is just now growing up. boys will be boys. you are fine. and your baby will be fine to. you don't have to have all that stuff, i mean it would be easier but in your situation i think yall will be fine. good luck
I think the goal is to raise a happy, healthy kid. I had my first at 20 and I'm having my last at 37 and my 16 year old will tell you that she got Mom 1.0 and the other kids are WAY lucky.
It's not that you will be a ';bad'; mother, but your ability to deal with crisis, manage your time, deal with people in general are different when you're over 25, or 30. Life experience and maturity are factors. Your reactions to people's opinion of you and your situation will also be vastly different. 20 -';OMG why are people judging me?';
30 -';Judge me all you like, I'm a grown up and it's my business';
Brush it off, there ARE better circumstances to start a family. It's not your circumstance, make sure you do it right with what you've got.
I had my son at 19. yes, I would have preferred to have him a few years later, but you know what/ I wouldn't trade him for anything. Some people bash us young moms without knowing anything about us. I AM a great mom. My age has nothing to do with that, it is only a number. The fact that i am a good mom has to do with the CHOICES I make, and guess what, we all have to make those choices for our children, age does not matter.
Of course there are people out there who are better off financially than I am. Yes, it is really tough right now, my son son is well fed, clothed (even if not Gap, his clothes are nice), and happy. Of COURSE it makes sense to wait until you have your career in motion, and a little money in the bank, but for many of us, that is not the way it happens. We roll with the punches. And you know what? Many of these people who lash out against us young moms are in the TTC forum and CANT get pregnant. You know why? It's because they never felt ';ready'; and Pissed away their fertility. We are NEVER ';ready'; you learn parenting on the job.We are not perfect, but is anyone? No.
Because over 25, after college, married, and stable is ideal. IDEAL, that doesn't happen often nor is it realistic to expect even 1/2 of all parents to have all that. Pregnancy hormones, I remember those.
I hear ya, look at me: single, 25, college educated, financially stable. And I get it mostly for being single, no one cares that I acted in the best interest of our child. People who judge so harshly don't give a shot about the details, just that you don't fit their ideals.
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